Baggage
by Heart Full of Elves
Summary: They both have their baggage.


Ianto holds memories of the deaths of Lisa, his parents, and his colleagues at Torchwood One. Jack has memories of countless deaths of people he has loved and people he has disliked, and of things he has sacrificed for the greater good. That's only natural when you're an ex-conman turned immortal hero. But if there's one thing he will never do it's putting his pain ahead of Ianto's. Pain like theirs can't be weaker or stronger, bigger or smaller, more or less, than the other's. It would be stupid to sit down and measure it. Pointless to even think about it. They can't compare their pain, because it exists in many different forms.

Before they started sleeping together, they dealt with the pain in different ways. Ianto would surround himself with friends and alcohol; Jack would resort to sex, using pleasure with whoever was willing, to flush out the demons that haunt him. Both ways worked, for a time. And then Suzie was resurrected, and killed, and Gwen nearly died, and it seemed natural for them to come together. At first they lost themselves in each other's bodies as a way of temporarily forgetting the pain of existence, the heartache that comes with working for Torchwood and secretly saving the world. It worked; it did the trick, until Jack disappeared with his Doctor. Then Ianto was alone again, and he was without his medicine.

But then Jack came back, and he made an effort to romance Ianto, and things got complicated. Feelings developed, feelings that neither was willing to admit. Even now, when their feelings are so obvious that even the rest of the team knows - even people outside their organisation, like Martha Jones, can see it - they won't admit them. They won't admit to being in love and they won't admit to needing each other. But they do. Ianto needs Jack so he can forget about and move on from his shadowed past, and Jack needs Ianto so he can keep going for another day and remember what it means to be human. As long as they are together and as long as they can use sex to numb the pain, whether it's individual or shared heartbreak, they can deal with it.

But the truth is, there will always be pain. And there will always be new ways to be hurt and new reasons to want to forget everything and start again. After Gray's revenge and Owen's and Toshiko's deaths, Ianto considers taking Retcon and moving far, far away so that there is nothing to remind him of what he's been through in his short but miserable life, and Jack considers finding the Doctor to take him back to the future where he belongs and take enough Retcon to make him forget his whole adult life. Retcon is a temptress: they should not consider using it in such a dangerous way, but it would just be so easy to take it - take it and forget all the bad. Doing so would both save and destroy them.

But while Ianto has Jack and Jack has Ianto, it doesn't hurt so much. They have used each other in the past and they will continue to use each other in the future, but isn't that what love is? You take what you need and do what you can to give your partner what he or she needs in return. You look out for yourself and you care for your significant other. And when he or she protests that they don't need you to look after them, as Ianto sometimes does, even while crying into his whiskey, that's when they need you the most.

While you have each other - while Jack and Ianto have each other - there is a reason to hold on, to keep fighting and never give up. They feel the pain, they carry baggage that they don't want to carry, and they grit their teeth and continue, because that is who they are. And they manage, because they are stronger together.

Ianto is holding Jack tonight, after a particularly bad day. He is holding Jack together, his arms stopping him from falling apart. It is usually the other way around - Jack holding Ianto - but tonight Jack needs strong arms to hold him tight while Ianto has the need to hold onto something. Onto someone. Both faces are wet with unchecked tears, both pairs of blue eyes are turned red and both their throats raw from the crying.

"Thank you," Jack whispers into Ianto's chest.

"For what?" Ianto's voice is all gentleness and softness and patience. It's exactly what Jack needs right now. He rubs circles in Jack's back to calm him.

"Thank you for being here, Ianto, now and all the other times. I..." Jack shudders, and grips Ianto's shirt. This is hard for him to say; it's always been hard for him to admit things like this. "I need you with me, now and always."

"And I'll be here," Ianto promises with a kiss on each of Jack's tearstained cheeks. "I'll be here, Jack. Now and always."

* * *

**Note: Inspired by two Shakira songs: That Way, and Medicine. I intended for this to have a sad ending, with Jack saying that one day he'll be alone, but it didn't make its way onto the screen. Maybe next time.****I wrote this last night and as always, please point out any typos! **


End file.
